Some days I have a lot of time to myself, and I start
thinking about the things I miss. Then, there are days I have TOO much time to
myself, and I get lonely and I think about you. The thing about “me time” is
that I need it, just as anyone does.
But this “me time” leads to memories. And I miss you, and I
miss how I felt about you, and I crave our love. And then the reality of our
love sinks in. It was real. I loved you, and you loved me (at least I think you
did,) but it wasn’t what it was supposed to be. We had our passion, but we also
created a mess. Somewhere along the way, probably from the very beginning of
us, we both got confused. And we ended up where we shouldn’t have. In love. And
young. And stupid.
When I think back to all of the memories of us, and I
remember the good with the bad I’m so glad for the reality of where I am today.
Because, the mess we made taught me who I was and made me strong. And, of all
the places in the world, I chose here. And it was really the first decision I
have ever made that was completely my own. I’m so glad my present and future
are mine, and not ours.
November 8th 2012
I had a great day today. I switched my classroom layout
around yesterday and I was afraid it would throw the kids off, but overall they
did really good after I explained the reason to them. The students are finally
into the routine of our English morning. My 4th grade class loved
talking about the oxygen cycle and the environment, and I’m starting to get
them psyched about our upcoming endangered species research project. My math
class was great: my students understand their number lines, they are
understanding their patterns and they all love “my” math game (flipping two
cards over and adding them.) During my social studies time we did a picture
sort and talked about how we are all different and that is okay. On Tuesday we
did Venn diagrams to compare students and they loved that too. This week was a
seg-way leading into our culture studies, which will start next week. For the
last 5 minutes of class we talked about culture and what it is. I was so
surprised to hear them talk openly about their home lives, and they all seem
excited to share.
I also taught games club today after school. The new game
was different from many of the other games we have played, but toward the end
the students started to get it and we had the least amount of whining yet.
Then I went to my second job of teaching English to
teachers. Last week they gave me a ton of suggestions for teaching, mostly
things they wanted to learn. So I came prepared tonight with a pronunciation
key, American slang terms, prepositions, and a feelings chart. We spent so much
time talking about these that we hardly made it to the essays I’m supposed to
be using. But, either way they are learning pronunciation and vocabulary, and
tonight was super enjoyable. Also, one of my students gave me an Albeni bar at
the break, and translated it to mean “buy me” or “you want me.” How hilarious, since I always want to buy them.
November 12, 2012
Today I want to get on the next plane and fly home. I’m so
stressed about moving and just trying to keep up with everything. If I’m
packing I might as well go somewhere I love right? And I know I love
Minneapolis. Plus it’s a Monday and if I hurry I can make it back in time for
Roe Family Singers. Heck, if I really hurry I can make it back for $3 surlys.
November 13th 2012
How many times do I click my heels to go home?
It was a day I needed music.
It was a day I looked through my quotes.
It was a day I cried.
It was a day I wanted a hug from my mom.
It was a day I needed a stout, or 4.
It was a day I wondered, “what the hell was I thinking.”
It was a day I remembered why I got my tattoo.
It was a day I had strength to get through.
And I will get through many more like it.
November 18th 2012
All is right in the world again. That is a lie. Things in
the world are better, and as they should be. I miss home, like crazy, and for
some reason I still want to go there. As I was packing to move (yes I found a
new, wonderful apartment) I just kept thinking that I wish I was packing to go
home. Maybe it’s because it’s getting close to the holidays, maybe I miss the
cold (I wore a short sleeve shirt today), or maybe I’m still just frustrated with being lost. I got to talk to my
brother last week and that was really helping. He is so good at convincing me
that I’m where I need to be and I’ll find my path out here somewhere.
I find myself looking at international job posting daily.
No, make that 3 times a day. I’m dreaming too much. I need to start living
more. I already know I have options, but it is too early to apply to most of
them. I’m considering doing some European traveling in July, moving back home
in August and waiting for an immediate hire job. It is so not my style to have
an unplanned future, but these are the jobs that pay more. All I want to do is
pay off my loans so I can live life the way I want. I want to go everywhere.
Saudi Arabia, Thailand, Columbia, India, Brazil, Ireland, Morocco, China,
Poland, Spain, France, Italy, South Africa, Kenya, Venezuela, Bali, the list
goes on and on. There is so much to see in this vast world. I knew this before I came here, but really
had no idea. Every time I talk to someone they tell me about somewhere they have been that I want to go to.
The part of me that wants to settle down in one location is
becoming more and more distant. She is there, but she knows thats if she wants to
do this traveling now is the time to do it. When I settle down I want to be
close to home. And by home, I mean I want to be close to my family.
I remember telling my advisor freshman year that I couldn’t
do study abroad because I would miss my family too much. At this point, it was a
lie. I didn’t want to leave my boyfriend for another 3 months. Long distance
sucked. But now I’m realizing it really is true. I miss them all like crazy! Keeping
my mind on the fact that I get to see my brother in about 36 days helps. After that,
who knows. But it is time to live. Road trip(s) in the next two weeks, so I’ll
have to be living.
I’m also starting to get a little nervous about what life
will be like when I do move back home. I have a feeling I’m going to go through
culture shock all over again. There won’t be 8 café’s on one block. I’ll have
to obey traffic laws, and say thank you all the time. I’ll have to stand appropriately
in lines. It won’t take me 8 stops to do my shopping for the week. What will I
do with all that extra time. I’ll have to start carrying a phone with me again.
Strange to think of how much my life has changed in less than 3 months. Crazy!
