Friends

So I’m currently supposed to be editing my final paper for college. Maybe the final one ever. But I just can’t focus on that. I had a great day and finally got a chance to work out, and my energy levels have skyrocketed. I’m dancing around the house listening to the Roe Family Singers and sipping on a new kind of beer, which is pretty delicious considering it is a wheat.

I have to admit that I’ve been having a lot of mood swings recently. I’m so happy about going to Jakarta, and with having the opportunity to visit home (even if briefly.) But I’m getting very sad about leaving my friends. I’ve started realizing that I’m going to miss certain things about Albania, but by far, the thing I will miss the most is the awesome friends I have gained.

One of my friends back home suggested, awhile ago, that I write a blog post about the people that matter the most to me. I told him this was impossible, because I didn’t want to describe them in an inaccurate way. The time has come, however, to try and explain what these people mean to me. Where to begin?

Scott: Dependent. From the very time we met I knew we would get along. You kept asking Jeff questions (that I had) and agreed to explore the city with me. You encouraged me with stories of your past experiences abroad and your support has continued to this very point. The fun only continued when we began our road trips together and you suggested we get a beer with our coffee. This is when I fell in love with you. Our explorations of the city continued and have left me with great memories, and better viewpoints on the culture of this city. The explorations even collided into our teaching careers as we took on photography club, football club, and science club together. Thank you for introducing me to, possibly, the best book ever, and for always being willing to get a beer and quofte with me. I can’t wait for our adventures to continue in Southeast Asia J Ermagherd Indernesher!

Cortney: Thank you for suggesting we teach first grade together! I was so thankful to have the support and encouragement during my first year. All those times laying on the carpet and sorting out our classroom issues were what kept me sane. Also, I have managed to learn a lot about classroom management from you. If it weren’t for you I’m not sure that I would be moving to Jakarta. You planted this seed of knowledge about what existed in the world, and gave me the advice on how I could see it all. Also thanks for being a girl and having serious girl talks with me. I love the boys to death, but sometimes girls have to talk out their girl issues. You got me out of my shell, dancing, and goofing off when needed. We will keep in touch for sure.

Robert: Where do I begin with you? When you first arrived in Tirana I thought that I was going to lose a very good friend, and as it would turn out I was about to gain one of the best friends ever. We needed a young soul in the group. Thank you for supporting me through the pain of my tattoo, and day drinking with me on several occasions, and just for doing things with me in general."Hey Robert! You do stuff with me..." I’ll never forget jumping into the freezing cold water with you in Bosnia, and our talks on the porch will remain my favorite memories of this city for forever. I'm so proud of who you are becoming. Fucking zeros and goddamn ones!

Bobby: Though I don’t know you as well as I’d like to, I do have a few things to thank you for. The cookies and cupcakes you make are incredible! Thank you for purchasing and allowing me to use your scanner on several occasions. Also, thank you for setting a good example of what a nice respectable man should be. It has been awhile since I’ve met a gentleman like you.

Adam: You rock! Thanks for introducing me to several places with good beer(not sure how I would have survived otherwise), and for always translating for my lazy language learning skills. You taught me a lot about this country that I wouldn’t have known otherwise.

Jeff: You deserve a shout out for being an incredible boss. I’ve had my fair share of good bosses, but the light you bring to our school is incredible. You were always there to sort out the messes and make sure we all had smiles on our faces. Thank you for organizing all the trips, making sure everything ran smoothly, and doing twice the work of all of us combined. 

Thank you, to all of you for being part of this adventure and making sure I had the time of my life. I'm sure this isn't the end of any of our relationships. Cortney would agree that it is time for an inspirational song:

Beyond the Sky and the Earth

A few weeks ago I was looking for something good to read. I was altogether sick of coming home and downloading a movie every single night. It is a great way to unwind, but I felt like I was truly wasting away my life watching all these horrible chick flicks. Luckily my fellow teachers were smart enough to bring a few of their favorite books with them. Dear Mr. Scott kindly borrowed me a book titled Beyond the Sky and the Earth by Jamie Zeppa. He suggested I read it, knowing that I was going through a pretty bad case of homesickness at the time. He told me that I’d be able to relate to the book and would think about teaching abroad on a whole new level. He was correct.

I sat down the night I got it and knocked out the first 3 chapters with a few glasses of wine, while watching some candles burn. Usually it is quite hard for me to get into books, but this one was easy. She began the book with a description of Bhutan and I was hooked by her complete and beautiful description of the country. That night I finished reading about her decision to move away from Canada, her fiancé, and planned out life into the unknown of  Buhtan. She describes the culture of the country and I was struck by all her explanations into Buddhism. Religion has always interested me, mostly because my brother was a religious studies major and he always has such interesting information. Also, partly because I grew up in a Christian household, and in recent year I’ve just been interested about how other religions are similar and different. I find that most are far more similar than different. As I read the book, I flagged the parts that really resonated in me, with post-its, and looking back on them a lot of them have to do with Buddhism. Now I’m not saying I’m going to convert anytime soon, in fact I highly doubt I ever will, but I certainly may take some of the perspectives and try to use them in my life. Here is her initial explanation:

“The Buddha did no claim to be a deity. When asked about the creation of the universe and the existence of God, he refused to speculate. He was not offering a new religion but a way of seeing and living in the world. For me, though, one of the most interesting things about Buddhism is not that there is no all-powerful God who we must fall down and worship, but that there is no permanent self, no essence of self. It isn’t even clear among scholars if Buddhism accepts the idea of a soul, an immortal individual spirit. Separateness is an illusion. Nothing exists inherently on its own, independently of everything else, and a separate permanent, inherently existing self is the biggest illusion of all. There is nothing we can point to and say, yes, this is the self. It is not the body or the mind, but a combination of conditions, circumstances and facilities. At the moment of death, these conditions and facilities break down, and only the karma generated by that life remains, determining the circumstances of the next rebirth.

There is a principal tenet of Buddhism, but the Buddha tells his disciples not to take his word for it. They are to analyze and search and test what he says for themselves. On his deathbed, he reminds them, ‘Decay is inherent in all compound things. Work out your own salvations with diligence.’ I am struck by this spirit of independent inquiry, by the fact that enlightenment is available to all, not through a priest or a church or divine intervention but through attention to the mind. In Buddhism, there is no devil, no external dark force—there is only your mind, and you must take responsibility for what you want and how you choose to get it.”

The last part of this writing got me through my week. My life is my choice, nothing is standing in my way of getting what I want other than myself. This was a lot to take in, a bit responsibility, but it was reassuring in its own way. Now, I thought to myself, if only I knew what I wanted.

She also describes the 4 Noble truths, which I will summarize below:

1. We suffer in life.
2. We suffer because we have desires and are never satisfied.
3. Our goal is to end this ceaseless wanting.
4. The way to end it is to use the Noble Eightfold Path of Right Understanding, Right Thought, Right Speech, Right Action, Right Livelihood, Right Effort, Right Mindfulness, and Right Concentration.

The next portion of the book seems to describe exactly what my first 2 month here were like, thought Zeppa’s experience is completely different from mine. She goes through culture shock. No running water, no supplies at her school, inability to communicate with those she loves in the way she wants to. She misses and desires things like I missed and desired them. She doesn’t cook for days because she just doesn’t know how, and she begins to meet those are destined to be her friends. “And I think, sometimes it all makes sense: you are sitting in a restaurant with your companions. It could be a restaurant anywhere, it could be Sault Ste. Marie. Other times it makes no sense whatsoever. I don’t know how this relates to the rest of my life. There is no link between my life on the other side of the planet, all those dark miles and starry oceans away, and me sitting at this table, tearing my beer label off in strips, no connection at all. Except for myself: I myself must bridge the gap, I am the bridge—although I feel more like the gap. All the experiences and achievements that defined me at home are irrelevant and insignificant here. There is just me, here, now. Wherever you go, there you are.”  The number of times I’ve  sat around with my new friends and wondered “How the hell did I get here” is uncountable. I just woke up one day and was. Innumerable times I will comment to Cortney or Scott in a overwhelmed and surprised voice, “This is my life.” Other times I say it with remorse and disillusionment. Zeppa comments: “There are long moments where I cannot remember where I am. I feel completely unfamiliar to myself, almost unreal , as if parts of me have dissolved, are dissolving. The Buddhist view that there is no real self seems completely accurate. I have crossed a threshold of exhaustion and strangeness and am suspended in a new inner place.” This is my life. I say it to myself again as I marvel at the obvious but unreal statement.

I continue to read every night, completely immersed waiting for the next entirely relatable part. It is too easy to find. As I begin looking for new apartments I read about the difference between arrival and entrance. “Arrival is physical and happens all at once. The train pulls in, the plane touches down, you get out of the taxi with all your luggage. You can arrive in a place and never really enter it; you get there, look around, take a few pictures, make a few notes, send postcards home. When you travel like this, you think you know where you are, but, it fact, you have never left home. Entering takes longer. You cross over slowly, in bits and pieces. You begin to despair; will you ever get over? It is like awakening slow, over a period of weeks, And then one morning, you open your eyes and you are finally here, really and truly here. You are just beginning to know where you are.” I wonder to myself when I will truly enter, and get my answer about a week later when I finally feel at home in my new place. I’m starting to settle into life here, and thankfully so. I can shop at the markets, I can cook for myself, I can find delicious beer,  and most importantly I can cross the street in a mostly safe way.

I continue to spend my nights reading and find myself continuing to be interested in the points that are related to Buddhism. “Nothing in this world is permanent. Everything changes, breaks down, dies, and this is why attachment to things in this world causes suffering.” I tell myself to let go of the things I miss. I don’t need cheddar cheese, I don’t need stout or live music. I’m lucky to have the things I do. I now have running water, and a working toilet, what else do I need? “Buddhist practice offers systematic tools for anyone to work our their own salvation. Here, the Buddha said, you’ve got your mind, the source of all your problems, but also the source of you liberation. Use it. Look at your life. Figure it out.” My life is changing and this is normal, and okay. All things change, and this is okay, a normal part of life. Nothing will stay the same forever, so why should I? I’m becoming a new person, and I am figuring things out slowly, but at a good pace. One step at a time, through talking to my friends and self-reflection, I will discover who I am and where I belong.

One night I sit down to read and find myself completely captivated with the writing, and yearning to know how this story ends. I just can’t seem to stop reading the book, and so I finish the last 100 pages in 1 hour, desiring to find some answer for my own life within. “I came to Bhutan to find out if the careful life I had planned, the life of waiting, watching, counting, planning, putting into places, was the life I really wanted. I can still go back to that life, even now, after everything. Here I am, in another high place, the highest edge I have come to so far. I can turn these last three and a half years into a neatly packaged memory, pruned by caution, sealed by prudence, I can still turn back. But I will not. I will go over the edge and step into whatever is beyond.” And so will I.

Culture Shock: A Definition

I feel like the term "culture shock" is used in the smallest sense in the real world. Time to set it straight for those of you who are confused, and for myself.

When i was 10 years old (maybe 11?) I travelled with my family to Honduras to visit my brother. He was going to school there for 9 months and it was my first real family vacation. All of the trips up to that point had been within a few states radius, to visit my aunts, uncles and grandparents. When my mother told me were going to another country my imagination flowed. I would get to swim in the ocean, and possibly see real live dolphins! The vacation was fantastic, but I was surprised by a few things. For example I would see little boys peeing in the middle of a street, and the same little boy would come up and beg for money. We would drive past mansions protected with barbed wire, and right next to them would be a one bedroom home made of a box. Nothing had a price tag on it it, you had to bargain for everything. When I returned to small-city Marshfield everyone wanted to know about my experience, and everyone kept asking if I was culture shocked. I concluded that yes, experiencing the new culture was very shocking for me. Never had I seen a box house actually being used for a house before. So I had experienced culture shock right?

When I came to Albania I learned the term in a whole new light. You cannot experience culture shock just by visiting a place for a brief amount of time. The only way to experience culture shock is to emerse yourself in a culture enough to change your pattern of living, and the way you think about things. For example: Instead of just going to Rainbow and/or target for my weekly groceries I now go to 4 places on average. I go to 1-2 markets, usually a smaller store, and 1 or 2 big chain stores just to find everything I need. If I wanted to save more money I would go to a different store to get my cleaning supplies, and a different one to purchase my cosmetics. It is crazy how much time I have to spend shopping. Don't even get me started on how many stores I have gone into to look for leather boots.

My way of living is different in so many ways, and I can't even begin to explain all the little things I've been forced to change. More small examples: there are no dryers so I have to plan 1-2 days of drying time for clothes; I have to think about when I want to shower so I can turn on the water heater 40-60 minutes in advance; everything I throw away could be a potential craft item for school; I don't get to recycle anymore; I have to remember to stop at the market to pick up jugs of water 3 times a week; I cannot trust traffic lights; the streets don't run in blocks; I have to walk with my head down so I don't fall into a manhole; And don't even get me started on the teaching differences and work culture.

I'm not saying I hate life here at all. I love my life, and I'm loving it more everyday. As my principal told me when I arrived, Tirana is a great city if you are willing to find yourself in it. I'm just saying that living here has taken a lot of getting used to. I had no idea what the word "culture shock" truly meant until I came here. It was little, tiny stresses that added up to a lot of tears and homesickness throughout the past 2 months.

I also have lost many things I used to consider my passions. The live music culture here is very limited, it's not as simple as exploring until you find a good band, and then seeing that band live every week. I've only experienced 2 concerts, and I know there is more out there, I just have to search harder. I used to run about 5 days a week. I have ran only once since I got here, and it resulted in a cold that has lasted a month (plus) long. The air pollution just makes deep breathing seem impossible, and thus running becomes much less healthy. I used to love drinking beer, and I felt as though I was getting somewhat knowledgable about it. Now I have 1-2 choices at a restaurant, 2-5 choices at a market, and if I'm lucky 10 choices at the supermarkets.

I like to think that after 3 months I'm finally starting to move past the shock, and I'm able to experience the culture and my life a bit more. I have down my routine. I know how to plan my showers in advance. I know how to stop at the markets on the way home. I know the streets enough to not get lost and confused. My passions have had to change as well. Now I like exploring. Just walking until I find something new, or something that reminds me of my old passions. I'm also starting to throw myself into blogging, because I love reflecting on my life, and organizing my thoughts into something meaningful. If I leave them in my head they all jumbled up into a giant ball of confusion. Thus you can expect more post from me in the future.

To be honest, I'm glad I got to experience culture shock and I hope to experience it again in the future. Hopefully, if I'm really lucky, it will be with a set of friends as good as the ones I have here.

You guys rock!

Untitled blog post number 2

November 3^rd 2012

Some days I have a lot of time to myself, and I start thinking about the things I miss. Then, there are days I have TOO much time to myself, and I get lonely and I think about you. The thing about “me time” is that I need it, just as anyone does.

But this “me time” leads to memories. And I miss you, and I miss how I felt about you, and I crave our love. And then the reality of our love sinks in. It was real. I loved you, and you loved me (at least I think you did,) but it wasn’t what it was supposed to be. We had our passion, but we also created a mess. Somewhere along the way, probably from the very beginning of us, we both got confused. And we ended up where we shouldn’t have. In love. And young. And stupid.

When I think back to all of the memories of us, and I remember the good with the bad I’m so glad for the reality of where I am today. Because, the mess we made taught me who I was and made me strong. And, of all the places in the world, I chose here. And it was really the first decision I have ever made that was completely my own. I’m so glad my present and future are mine, and not ours.

November 8^th 2012

I had a great day today. I switched my classroom layout around yesterday and I was afraid it would throw the kids off, but overall they did really good after I explained the reason to them. The students are finally into the routine of our English morning. My 4^th grade class loved talking about the oxygen cycle and the environment, and I’m starting to get them psyched about our upcoming endangered species research project. My math class was great: my students understand their number lines, they are understanding their patterns and they all love “my” math game (flipping two cards over and adding them.) During my social studies time we did a picture sort and talked about how we are all different and that is okay. On Tuesday we did Venn diagrams to compare students and they loved that too. This week was a seg-way leading into our culture studies, which will start next week. For the last 5 minutes of class we talked about culture and what it is. I was so surprised to hear them talk openly about their home lives, and they all seem excited to share.

I also taught games club today after school. The new game was different from many of the other games we have played, but toward the end the students started to get it and we had the least amount of whining yet.

Then I went to my second job of teaching English to teachers. Last week they gave me a ton of suggestions for teaching, mostly things they wanted to learn. So I came prepared tonight with a pronunciation key, American slang terms, prepositions, and a feelings chart. We spent so much time talking about these that we hardly made it to the essays I’m supposed to be using. But, either way they are learning pronunciation and vocabulary, and tonight was super enjoyable. Also, one of my students gave me an Albeni bar at the break, and translated it to mean “buy me” or “you want me.” How hilarious, since I always want to buy them.

November 12, 2012

Today I want to get on the next plane and fly home. I’m so stressed about moving and just trying to keep up with everything. If I’m packing I might as well go somewhere I love right? And I know I love Minneapolis. Plus it’s a Monday and if I hurry I can make it back in time for Roe Family Singers. Heck, if I really hurry I can make it back for $3 surlys.

November 13th 2012

How many times do I click my heels to go home?

It was a day I needed music.

It was a day I looked through my quotes.

It was a day I cried.

It was a day I wanted a hug from my mom.

It was a day I needed a stout, or 4.

It was a day I wondered, “what the hell was I thinking.”

It was a day I remembered why I got my tattoo.

It was a day I had strength to get through.

And I will get through many more like it.

November 18^th 2012

All is right in the world again. That is a lie. Things in the world are better, and as they should be. I miss home, like crazy, and for some reason I still want to go there. As I was packing to move (yes I found a new, wonderful apartment) I just kept thinking that I wish I was packing to go home. Maybe it’s because it’s getting close to the holidays, maybe I miss the cold (I wore a short sleeve shirt today), or maybe I’m still just frustrated with being lost. I got to talk to my brother last week and that was really helping. He is so good at convincing me that I’m where I need to be and I’ll find my path out here somewhere.

I find myself looking at international job posting daily. No, make that 3 times a day. I’m dreaming too much. I need to start living more. I already know I have options, but it is too early to apply to most of them. I’m considering doing some European traveling in July, moving back home in August and waiting for an immediate hire job. It is so not my style to have an unplanned future, but these are the jobs that pay more. All I want to do is pay off my loans so I can live life the way I want. I want to go everywhere. Saudi Arabia, Thailand, Columbia, India, Brazil, Ireland, Morocco, China, Poland, Spain, France, Italy, South Africa, Kenya, Venezuela, Bali, the list goes on and on. There is so much to see in this vast world. I knew this before I came here, but really had no idea. Every time I talk to someone they tell me about somewhere they have been that I want to go to.

The part of me that wants to settle down in one location is becoming more and more distant. She is there, but she knows thats if she wants to do this traveling now is the time to do it. When I settle down I want to be close to home. And by home, I mean I want to be close to my family.

I remember telling my advisor freshman year that I couldn’t do study abroad because I would miss my family too much. At this point, it was a lie. I didn’t want to leave my boyfriend for another 3 months. Long distance sucked. But now I’m realizing it really is true. I miss them all like crazy! Keeping my mind on the fact that I get to see my brother in about 36 days helps. After that, who knows. But it is time to live. Road trip(s) in the next two weeks, so I’ll have to be living.

I’m also starting to get a little nervous about what life will be like when I do move back home. I have a feeling I’m going to go through culture shock all over again. There won’t be 8 café’s on one block. I’ll have to obey traffic laws, and say thank you all the time. I’ll have to stand appropriately in lines. It won’t take me 8 stops to do my shopping for the week. What will I do with all that extra time. I’ll have to start carrying a phone with me again. Strange to think of how much my life has changed in less than 3 months. Crazy!