How far I have come in year 22. I read the blog post I wrote last year on my birthday and was reminded of the fact that I was told year 20 and 21 would be the hardest. Lies! 22 was rough.
Let me start by saying that rough doesn't mean bad. In reality 22 was probably the best year of my life. I became myself this year, for many different reasons.
Firstly, it was the first year since I was 15 that I spent single. All of it. Being single left me a lot of space for growth, and allowed me to become a full person. Not that I wasn't a full person before, but let's be honest, I tired to define where my life was going based on my future with a man, rather than just my future on it's own. I was constantly thinking about engagement rings, weddings, when would be a good time to have kids. Yikes! Was I cray?
Secondly, I finally became an adult. I lived on my own in Minnesota, but not in this way. My brother was a 5 minute walk from me, and my parents were a 3 hour drive away. I spent my last year living with 5 awesome roommates. Now I live a 24 hour plane ride away from any family member, and I find my nights alone in my apartment haunting rather than enjoyable.
Thirdly, I have experienced more in a single year than I ever thought possible. In terms of my education about teaching, the world, and myself, I have learned so much.
Here's to knowing that 23 will be met with new experiences, friends, adventures, and most importantly, new challenges. I can't wait to see what year 23 will bring me.
February 21st 2012
Today on my way home I realized some extraordinary. 6 months ago I didn’t even know my current friends. And now I can’t imagine what my life next year will be like without them. It is amazing how quickly people can make an impact on your life.
February 24th 2012
Today I was talking to my two friends as we sat and sipped tea. I was talking about how I will always wonder what my life would have been like if I hadn’t come to Albania, but also how I will never regret this decision. If I wouldn’t have come I would have regretted it forever. And then I thought about how much I miss home. But also the fact that a person is allowed to miss something and be sad about it as long as most of their time is spent happy. And I’m overall very happy with my life. And I haven't been extremely homesick in a long time.
I also realized that I’m dying to go home, not only so I can see family and drink and eat my favorite things, but so that I can remember that while I was happy there something was missing. Mostly I think that I need to spend 2 or 3 weeks at home to assure myself that I have made the right decision. And after that brief time I’ll be ready to move on to the next place.
Also every time I talk to my niece and she mentions something about me visiting I feel awful. “TT, when I turn 5 (she’s almost 4) and you come and visit maybe we can make friendship bracelets together.” What kind of terrible aunt only sees her niece every 2 years? Also my nephew keeps reaching toward the camera and all I want to do is pick him up and squeeze him.
February 26th 2012
I just got done with a delicious and successful dinner out with two fantastic girls. One is 19 and the other is 29. After talking about our life’s decisions and questioning our futures we came to the following conclusion: Life’s questions simply repeat themselves over and over again, and we will never figure out all the answers. We may as well start living for our now and figure it out as time goes on.
February 28th 2012
Sometimes, I still start thinking that I just want to find someone to spend my life with.
But, I loved a man. And a man loved me. And here’s the thing. It didn’t work. Flat out, straight forward, just didn’t. So then I start wondering why, and the answer is so clear and obvious. You can’t really be with someone until you’ve been with yourself and discovered what that means, and who you are.
Why do I always end up back here. I’ve learned this lesson so many times. I’m discovering me. And I’m not ready for anyone else to be part of that journey. It’s mine.
Also, today mid insanity workout I had to go in the other classroom, cry for one minute, and then go back to working out. I've been doing really good about living life and not being homesick, but today it just really hit me.
Am I doomed to ever roam?