Homesick

I want to go home. Everything is finally really catching up with me. This isn’t a vacation, this is life. I hate my apartment and up until this point I thought it was temporary. I thought I’d be able to move out in 2 months. Now I see that somehow I am roped into staying for the whole year, if I want my work and residency permit. And I’m dying. I don’t sleep well in my purple, ultra loud, room. And I can’t stand listening to anymore terrible music. I hate that my toilet doesn’t flush and my washer leaks. Every time I do laundry I have to mop the whole house. And all I really want is hug from someone who is in my family, who I know loves me. I just need someone (other than myself) to tell me everything will be alright.

I just want to sleep at night. I want to be able to run to relieve my stress. And to be able to go and buy cheddar cheese at a reasonable price. And I want to go dance at Roe Family Singers on Monday night and head to the Republic for $3 happy hour beers with my best friends.

I just keep reminding myself that I didn’t like Minneapolis at first, and when I left there I loved it. I keep trying to convince myself that there will come a point where I will love it here too. So when people ask me if I have decided if I’m going to stay 2 years or not I say I haven’t. But really I have. I will stay two years because that was the plan, and I’m not a woman who changes her plans easily. I know I need to stay for 2 years, for my own professional and self-development. Let’s just hope that in the 2^nd year I can get more than 4 hours of sleep a night and I’m not ill the whole time. 

The Scariest Things

I'm writing this post not because I want to, but because according to Dumbledore (who is the wisest man I know) "Understanding is the first step to acceptance, and only with acceptance can there be recovery."
Scared. Up until this week I felt mostly excited about moving, but it is finally becoming real to me that I moving, by myself, to a country where I don't speak the language, or know much about the culture. I can do this.

As I sit in my favorite bar in Minneapolis drinking a delicious IPA I think about all the things I'm going to miss, some more than others. Beer is pretty close to the top. So according to Dumbledore I need to face my fears to recover from them, right? So here goes....my top 5 fears.

5. Getting there. Honestly I'm not nervous about the flight itself, but I'm nervous about finding my way through customs and the airports. I'm sure I'll survive, but I've never flown alone.

4. The language. I've learned like 20 words/phrases so far, and I plan on making more flashcards to learn next week, but seriously. Hard. I've heard if you are just thrown into a language that makes in much easier to learn. Here is to hoping.

3. OMG my own classroom! I know I'd have this fear no matter where I am, so that makes it a little easier to deal with. Last year I took charge of the class for 2 weeks, but I was told what lessons to cover the kids had already been taught the routines and the classroom was set up. I don't even know where to begin. But I guess this is just going to have to wait until I see my classroom and my schedule. I think what freaks me out the most is that I'm starting a new job at the same time that I'm in a new environment at the same time I'm trying to meet new people.

2. My niece and nephew not recognizing me. My niece is 2 and a half. As far as I can remember I don't remember anything before this. So when I come back and she is almost 5 how is she going to recognize me? And my nephew will be her age! How insane! So how do I plan on keeping up? Well I haven't approved this with the brother and sister-in-law yet, but I think I'm going to try to plan in every other week skype dates. Also I plan on sending her post cards of everywhere I visit.

1. Leaving my best friend/brother. When I first applied for this job Daryn was more than supportive. He sat and listened to me complain about others viewpoints and he told me how amazing it sounded. Through every boy issues I've gotten myself into (many the same) he has been there to talk me through (and in some cases drink me through.) He's introduced me to the best beer, the best music, and taught me my greatest life lessons. If I can find someone in Albania to be half the friend he is I will be the luckiest girl ever. And if not at least I can come back and start a commune with him or bartend for him. Our dreams will all come true! And if not, at least I hope we live near each other so we can get together and watch packer games on sunday.

After writing all of this (and drinking two beers) I'm convinced Dumbeldore is correct. Acceptance.